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Disorder in the American Courts.pdf: A Funny and Revealing Look at the Legal System
Disorder in the American Courts.pdf: What is it and why should you read it?
If you are looking for a good laugh, a dose of reality, or a glimpse into the fascinating world of the American legal system, you might want to check out Disorder in the American Courts.pdf. This is a collection of hilarious excerpts from real court transcripts that showcase the absurdity and hilarity of what goes on in courtrooms across the country. From incompetent lawyers to hostile witnesses, from biased judges to witty remarks, this book has it all. In this article, we will explore the origin and history of Disorder in the American Courts.pdf, the types and examples of disorder in the American courts, and the effects and implications of disorder in the American courts.
Disorder in the American Courts.pdf
Disorder in the American Courts.pdf is not just a funny book. It is also a revealing book that exposes the flaws and challenges of the American legal system, as well as its diversity and complexity. It shows how law and justice are not always clear-cut or straightforward, but rather depend on human factors such as personality, emotion, logic, language, culture, and power. It also shows how law and humor can sometimes go hand in hand, creating moments of levity and insight in otherwise serious and stressful situations. By reading this book, you will not only laugh out loud, but also learn something new about law, society, and yourself.
The origin and history of Disorder in the American Courts.pdf
Disorder in the American Courts.pdf is not a single book written by a single author. Rather, it is a compilation of various sources of court records that have been collected and edited over time by different people. Some of these sources include books such as Disorderly Conduct by Charles Sevilla, Courtroom Humor by Steven D. Price, The World's Funniest Lawyer Jokes by Steven D. Price, More Humorous Happenings In Court by Robert A. Wenke, The Law Is A Ass by Charles M. Sevilla, Lawyers Uncovered by Charles M. Sevilla , The Official Lawyer's Handbook by D. Robert White , The Little Book of Legal Humor by Robert A. Wenke, and Law and Disorder by Mike Papantonio. Some of these sources also include websites such as Court TV, Lawhaha.com, Lawyers Jokes, and Legal Humor.
Disorder in the American Courts.pdf became popular online and offline as people shared and circulated the funny and outrageous excerpts from the book. The book has been downloaded, printed, emailed, posted, tweeted, and blogged by millions of people around the world. The book has also been featured in various media outlets such as newspapers, magazines, radio shows, podcasts, and TV shows. The book has also been used as a source of inspiration and material for comedians, writers, speakers, teachers, students, and lawyers.
Disorder in the American Courts.pdf reflects the diversity and complexity of American society and culture. The book covers a wide range of topics and issues that are relevant and important to the American people, such as crime, civil rights, family, business, politics, religion, health, education, sports, entertainment, and more. The book also showcases the different styles and personalities of the people involved in the legal system, such as lawyers, judges, witnesses, jurors, defendants, plaintiffs, experts, reporters, and spectators. The book also illustrates the different types and levels of courts in the American legal system, such as federal courts, state courts, district courts, appellate courts, supreme courts, municipal courts, traffic courts, family courts, juvenile courts, probate courts, small claims courts, bankruptcy courts, immigration courts, tax courts , and military courts.
The types and examples of disorder in the American courts
Disorder in the American courts can be caused by various factors and actors in the legal system. In this section, we will categorize and provide some examples of disorder caused by lawyers , witnesses , and judges . These are not exhaustive or mutually exclusive categories , but rather illustrative and indicative of the common and recurrent themes and patterns of disorder in the American courts.
Disorder caused by lawyers
Lawyers are supposed to be the professionals who know the law , represent their clients , and uphold the standards of the legal system. However , sometimes lawyers can cause disorder in the court by being incompetent , unethical , aggressive , sarcastic , confused , or clueless . Here are some examples of disorder caused by lawyers :
Incompetent or unethical lawyers
Q: Doctor , before you performed the autopsy , did you check for a pulse ?A: No.Q: Did you check for blood pressure ?A: No.Q: Did you check for breathing ?A: No.Q: So , then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy ?A: No.Q: How can you be so sure , Doctor ?A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless ?A: Yes , it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: What is your date of birth ?A: July 15.Q: What year ?A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son , the one living with you ?A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five , I can't remember which.Q: How long has he lived with you ?A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident ?A: Approximately milepost 499.Q: And where is milepost 499?A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir , what is your IQ?A: Well , I can see pretty well , I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything ?A: After the accident ?Q: Before the accident.A: Sure , I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Aggressive or sarcastic lawyers
Confused or clueless lawyers
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?A: Did you really pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?A: He's 20, much like your IQ.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?A: Are you shitting me?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?A: Yes.Q: And what were you doing at that time?A: Getting laid.
Q: She had three children, right?A: Yes.Q: How many were boys?A: None.Q: Were there any girls?A: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
Disorder caused by witnesses
Witnesses are supposed to be the people who provide factual and reliable information to the court. However, sometimes witnesses can cause disorder in the court by being uncooperative, hostile, dishonest, or funny. Here are some examples of disorder caused by witnesses:
Uncooperative or hostile witnesses
Q: What is your name?A: Ernest Hemingway.Q: What is your date of birth?A: July 21st.Q: What year?A: Every year.Q: Where do you live?A: At home.Q: Where is your home?A: Next to my neighbor's house.Q: And where is your neighbor's house?A: You won't believe me if I tell you.Q: Try me.A: Next to my house.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.Q: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?A: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?A: Are you qualified to ask that question?
Dishonest or unreliable witnesses
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
A: Yes.Q: How do you know it was Michael Myers?A: Because I saw the movie.Q: So you recognized the mask?A: No, I recognized his eyes.Q: His eyes?A: Yes, they were blue.Q: Blue?A: Yes, like the sky.Q: How could you see his eyes through the mask?A: He had holes in it.Q: Holes?A: Yes, for his eyes and mouth.Q: So you saw his mouth too?A: No, just his teeth.Q: His teeth?A: Yes, they were yellow.Q: Yellow?A: Yes, like corn.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?A: Yes.Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?A: No, they only went down. They were one-way stairs.
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?A: About 50 feet.Q: And how long did it take for them to collide?A: About 10 seconds.Q: So they were traveling at a speed of 5 feet per second?A: No, they were going much faster than that.Q: Then how do you explain the distance and time?A: I don't know. I'm not good at math.
A: Because I heard them.Q: What did you hear?A: I heard them moaning and groaning.Q: And what did you do?A: I grabbed a gun and shot them.Q: Where did you get the gun?A: From the closet.Q: And where was the closet?A: In the hallway.Q: So you had to leave the bedroom to get the gun?A: Yes.Q: And did you close the door behind you?A: No.Q: Why not?A: Because I wanted them to see me coming.
Q: What is your relationship to the defendant?A: He is my son.Q: And how long have you known him?A: Since he was born.Q: And how old is he now?A: Nineteen.Q: And do you love him?A: Of course.Q: And do you trust him?A: Absolutely.Q: And do you believe he is innocent?A: Yes.Q: And why do you believe that?A: Because he told me so.
Funny or witty witnesses
Q: What do you do for a living?A: I'm a comedian.Q: Really? How do you make money?A: By making people laugh.Q: Can you make me laugh?A: Sure. What's your hourly rate?
Q: Where were you on the night of the robbery?A: I was at home, watching TV.Q: What were you watching?A: A documentary about crime.Q: And what did you learn from it?A: How to rob a bank.
A: Wine.Q: Red or white?A: Both.Q: At the same time?A: No, one after the other.Q: And do you get drunk?A: No, I get happy.
Q: How did you meet your husband?A: I met him at a dance.Q: And what attracted you to him?A: His charm and his money.Q: And what attracted him to you?A: My beauty and my brains.Q: And how long have you been married?A: Too long.
Q: Do you know the defendant?A: Yes, I do.Q: How do you know him?A: He is my neighbor.Q: And how long have you lived next to him?A: About six years.Q: And do you like him?A: No, I don't.Q: Why not?A: Because he is a jerk.Q: Can you give me an example of his jerkiness?A: Sure. He never mows his lawn, he plays loud music at night, he parks his car in front of my house, he borrows my tools and never returns them, he lets his dog poop on my yard, he throws parties every weekend, he cheats on his wife, he lies to everyone, he owes me money, and he smells bad.
Disorder caused by judges
Judges are supposed to be the impartial and authoritative figures who preside over the court and ensure the proper administration of justice. However, sometimes judges can cause disorder in the court by being biased, unfair, impatient, rude, humorous, or witty. Here are some examples of disorder caused by judges:
Biased or unfair judges
Judge: You are charged with assault and battery. How do you plead?Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: I don't believe you. You are guilty as charged. I sentence you to six months in jail.Defendant: But Your Honor, you haven't heard any evidence or testimony yet.Judge: I don't need to. I can tell by looking at you that you are a violent person. Take him away.
Judge: You are charged with shoplifting. How do you plead?Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: Do you have a lawyer?Defendant: No, Your Honor.Judge: Do you want one?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor.Judge: Too bad. You can't afford one. You are guilty as charged. I sentence you to 30 days in jail.
Judge: You are charged with speeding. How do you plead?Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: Do you have any witnesses?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. I have my wife and my son with me.Judge: I'm sorry, but they don't count. They are biased in your favor. You are guilty as charged. I fine you $500.
Judge: You are charged with drunk driving. How do you plead?Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: Do you have any evidence to support your claim?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. I have a breathalyzer test that shows I was below the legal limit.Judge: I'm sorry, but that doesn't count. It's unreliable and inaccurate. You are guilty as charged. I suspend your license for a year.
: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: Do you have an alibi?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. I have a video that shows I was at a different place at the time of the murder.Judge: I'm sorry, but that doesn't count. It's fake and edited. You are guilty as charged. I sentence you to death.
Impatient or rude judges
Judge: You are charged with disorderly conduct. How do you plead?Defendant: Your Honor, I would like to explain what happened.Judge: I don't have time for your explanations. Just answer the question. How do you plead?Defendant: Well, Your Honor, it's not that simple.Judge: It is that simple. You are either guilty or not guilty. How do you plead?Defendant: Your Honor, please let me speak.Judge: No, you shut up and listen. How do you plead?Defendant: Your Honor, this is unfair.Judge: No, this is justice. How do you plead?
Judge: You are charged with trespassing. How do you plead?Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: Why not?Defendant: Because I didn't know I was trespassing.Judge: How could you not know? There was a sign that said "No Trespassing".Defendant: I didn't see the sign.Judge: How could you not see the sign? It was big and bright and right in front of you.Defendant: I'm blind.Judge: Well, that's no excuse. You should have asked someone to read it for you. You are guilty as charged.
Judge: You are charged with perjury. How do you plead?Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: Are you sure?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor.Judge: Are you lying?Defendant: No, Your Honor.Judge: Are you sure?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor.Judge: Are you lying?Defendant: No, Your Honor.Judge: Stop wasting my time. You are guilty as charged.
Judge: You are charged with jaywalking. How do you plead?Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: What's your defense?Defendant: I was crossing the street when the light was green.Judge: That's not a defense. That's an admission of guilt. You are supposed to cross the street when the light is red.Defendant: What? That doesn't make any sense.Judge: It does to me. You are guilty as charged.
: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: What did you steal?Defendant: Nothing, Your Honor.Judge: Then why were you arrested?Defendant: Because the police thought I stole something.Judge: And what did they think you stole?Defendant: A car.Judge: And where did they find you?Defendant: In the car.Judge: And whose car was it?Defendant: Not mine.Judge: Then whose was it?Defendant: I don't know.Judge: You don't know? You were driving a car that you don't know who it belongs to?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor.Judge: And you expect me to believe that?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor.Judge: Well, I don't. You are guilty as charged.
Humorous or witty judges
Judge: You are charged with public intoxication. How do you plead?Defendant: Guilty, Your Honor.Judge: How do you feel?Defendant: Fine, Your Honor.Judge: Do you have anything to say for yourself?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. I would like to thank the jury for their verdict.Judge: There is no jury. This is a bench trial.Defendant: Well, then I would like to thank the bench for their verdict.
Judge: You are charged with burglary. How do you plead?Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: Do you have an alibi?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. I was at home with my wife.Judge: Can she confirm that?Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. She can.Judge: Can you call her to the stand?Defendant: No, Your Honor. She can't.Judge: Why not?Defendant: Because she's in jail.Judge: For what?Defendant: For burglary.
: Really? When did that happen?Judge: Yesterday. It was all over the news.Defendant: Oh. Well, then I have a letter from the vice president of the United States.Judge: Let me see it.Defendant: Here you go, Your Honor.Judge: This is a letter from Mike Pence.Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. He's the vice president of the United States.Judge: Not anymore. He's been sworn in as the new president.Defendant: Oh. Well, then I have a letter from the speaker of the House of Representatives.Judge: Let me see it.Defendant: Here you go, Your Honor.Judge: This is a letter from Nancy Pelosi.Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. She's the speaker of the House of Representatives.Judge: Not anymore. She's been elected as the new vice president.Defendant: Oh. Well, then I have a letter from the chief justice of the Supreme Court.Judge: Let me see it.Defendant: Here you go, Your Honor.Judge: This is a letter from John Roberts.Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. He's the chief justice of the Supreme Court.Judge: Not anymore. He's been appointed as the new secretary of state.Defendant: Oh. Well, then I have a letter from God.Judge: Let me see it.Defendant: Here you go, Your Honor.Judge: This is a blank piece of paper.Defendant: Yes, Your Honor. He works in mysterious ways.
Judge: You are charged with assault. How do you plead?Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honor.Judge: What happened?Defendant: I was defending myself, Your Honor.Judge: From what?Defendant: From his fist, Your Honor.Judge: How did his fist get near you?Defendant: He threw it at me, Your Honor.Judge: Why did he do that?Defendant: Because I insulted him, Your Honor.Judge: What did you say to him?Defendant: I called him a liar, a cheat, and a thief, Your Honor.Judge: And was he?Defendant: No, Your Honor. He was a lawyer.
The effects and implications of disorder in the American courts
Disorder in the American courts can have various effects and implications for the legal system and society at large. In this section, we will discuss some of the possible consequences of disorder in the American courts.
The effects and implications of disorder in the American courts
Disorder can affect the outcomes and fairness of trials. Disorder can interfere with the presentation and evaluation of evidence and testimony, leading to inaccurate or unjust verdicts and sentences. Disorder can also influence the perception and behavi